I love autumn. Autumn brings cosy jumpers, beautiful colours, cinnamon and the first frosts. As nature’s last display before we hunker down for winter, it signals that it is time for the earth to rest and renew. In my move back to this glorious part of the world, I’ve been reconnecting with nature and reconnecting with myself. The idea of looking after yourself is something that has come up for me a lot in these uncertain times, both as a teacher and as an individual recently. As I said in a previous video, everything is changing right now for so many of us. So, I decided it was time to shed some leaves for autumn, throw out some bad habits and unhealthy ways of thinking, to change too. Hopefully, some of these things can be helpful for you too...
As a vocal coach, a considerable part of my teaching is about facilitating a safe space for students.To sing people have to work through the mental barriers they have attached to expressing themselves and it's essential for people to feel like they can be vulnerable. It’s about helping people accept their voice and work with it, rather than against it. Your voice is incredibly personal, so it’s often about helping someone embrace a part of themselves. Through this, it has become starkly apparent to me how people really struggle to be kind to themselves!
And I realised this applied to me too. When I first arrived back in Scotland, I went through a whole spectrum of emotions. It was fantastic to get out of the hustle and bustle of the city and have more free time to spend on myself, but it was also disappointing. I realised that actually, I hadn’t always been looking after myself either. Now it might seem like common sense, but it’s still helpful to be reminded that we only hold ourselves back by not taking care of ourselves. I think a lot of us can feel like it’s selfish to look after ourselves, but could it also be selfless? The space that we can create in our own lives also impacts the lives of those around us. So, if we want to be the best version of ourselves for those around us, the best thing we can do is start at home... with ourselves.
It seems like such a vague concept, looking after yourself. It’s something I’ve found difficult to pin down because it is so personal and it will be different for you than it is for me. But I’m going to tell you what I’ve observed and maybe some of this will work for you, or perhaps it won’t and you’ll find your own way and that’s cool too!
Let’s look at a few examples; I’ll start with what I’ve seen in terms of approach to singing. Everyone books a singing lesson because they want to get better for all sorts of personal reasons, and hopefully because they want to enjoy it. But, most people in one way or another get in their own way, and this stems from the same thing not really valuing ourselves. Let me explain. Some people try to the point of overworking, feeling as if they have to prove themselves and are never doing enough. I am definitely one of these people! Others freeze, or worse, give up because it feels too difficult or like it might be beyond them and it definitely seems easier than going through the process of learning and growing. Both ends of the spectrum can be equally harmful. Those who overwork do so at the expense of their enjoyment of life and put more pressure on themselves than they need to and those who freeze never even give themselves a chance and wonder what might have been. Even if there is improvement happening, people don’t recognise it because they still feel like they are ‘not enough’. The learning process can make so many of us defensive and shut down, when the best thing they could do is open up. It might seem like a contradiction, but the best progress can be made by also being happy with where you are now. And that boils all the way down to being happy with you - the human being.
There is a theme in this I see again and again, that stops us enjoying where we are in a moment. Immovable expectation. We place so much pressure on ourselves. We have an entire life's worth of expectations that we’ve taken on from the outside, society, parents, teachers, advertisements. We can easily end up feeling like we’re not enough for so many different reasons and then carry those reasons into things that should be fun, like singing! We’re living in a society that rewards companies for finding your insecurities and then these companies convince you that the way to better yourself is through buying whatever they’re selling. But maybe we can just step out of the cycle and realise that actually, we’re in control of our own happiness! We don’t need any of this stuff, we don’t need to be more.
The best example I have is my body image. As with most people, I have always had a problematic relationship with how I felt about my body. I grew up in the 90s where Kate Moss was the optimum body type. Throughout the years, I have fluctuated between controlling my diet and going to the gym to eating unhealthily and not working out at all. My outlook on the exercise has always been more to do with looking a certain way and trying to fit in. But the silly thing is, neither approach was making me happy, neither was looking after my body or mind in the best way. And neither was making me feel better about myself! So, I looked at how I can be kinder to my body. I’ve taken time to walk in nature, fun exercise, I’ve been to the chiropractor to sort out my sore back that has been painful for years and rather than calorie counting or starving myself, I’m making sure my diet is filled with nutritious and also tasty food. I’m spending more time looking after my body from an entirely new perspective, and I feel great for it. And when I feel great, I carry that into other areas of my life. When we are happy and healthy we have more energy, we are more able to invest in relationships and regulate our emotions, are more productive, and can think more clearly. This means that although we’re starting with ourselves, we can also be better for the people around us. And I promise when you find your joy, the motivation automatically follows, because it's fun and we all just want to do fun things! And it’s not just my anecdotal evidence, scientists say that happier people get more done, and get it done better than most. In fact, a 2015 study at the University of Warwick in the UK found that they’re about 12% more productive than the average individual. I have no idea how they measure that.
But this isn’t a blog on how to be productive. It’s about balance and enjoyment. These things often start with things that can be healthy and fun. Of course, exercising can be a really good thing for many of us, but forcing yourself to do it to keep up with a false expectation of body image you have via the media probably isn’t going to make you happy! Likewise, if you force yourself to practice a song for six hours a day because you’re going to push through until you can sing it, you won’t make efficient progress either! I’m trying to carry those priorities through into other parts of my life too. In the past, I’ve done what I’ve seen so many of my students do. I’ve thrown myself at something until I am utterly burnt out because I felt like I wasn’t good enough if I couldn’t do it. Looking after myself, for me, is taking the time to ask why I want to do the things I do and asking how it’s benefitting me and the world around me, then allowing myself the time I need to learn that thing, it doesn’t need to be instant.
I think more of us need to take some time to notice what makes us happy! Learn because we want to learn something, not because we’re trying to live up to an expectation we perceive from the outside world. I am taking my own teaching advice - mistakes are good! Mistakes are the way that we learn. I’m trying to let go of what I think society wants me to be and pay more attention to forging my own messy, imperfect path. I’m doing my best to throw away the mean self-talk and tell myself that I’m happy with where I am, in my body and in my life - and I think I am starting to believe it is true. It’s about learning what makes you happiest and healthiest and forgetting about what you think you should be doing. You don’t need to adhere to any of society's rules because if you are happy with where you are first, then progress can really happen.
Right now, it is easy to watch the world and feel overwhelmed by what is going on. I certainly do sometimes. Our world is facing a lot of challenges. So it’s more important than ever that we start taking care of ourselves. Autumn is taking over the northern hemisphere, and as the leaves begin to wither and fall from the trees, we must remember that, in time, the trees renew themselves and spring will dawn upon us, cheesy I know. However cheesy it is, for ourselves and those around us, maybe we can do the same. Rest, renew and give ourselves a break.
Resources
University of Warwick Study: http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/new_study_shows/
Productivity: https://www.themuse.com/advice/the-ultimate-guide-to-being-happier-and-more-productive-at-work
